Official

Official


A continuation of my reflections

Well.. The result is official but there was never really any doubt about it eh? All I can say is i did my best, though it just shows my best was not enough. Sometimes I wonder if it's just I got deluded into thinking we could do it or did i really believe that we will.

Debating was my song. A song that i could sing. Not particularly well but good enough. I knew it'll never be a chart-topper but i just wanted to be on the chart. Was that too much to ask? Sometimes i wonder if i've over-inflated my abilities. But i know i haven't. Have i?

The worse part of losing is not the pain of it. It is when you question yourself. That's when you begin to doubt yourself and lose your identity, pride. How ironic. I know how to say it but I still allow it to happen.

Ever heard that good things never occur twice but bad things come in 3s?

Well.. I'm still waiting for the third to happen. Maybe it already has. I don't know. Maybe these challenges are something i need to overcome to understand things better. After all, I've learnt much more through what I've failed to do or done wrong than whatever i've done right.

That which does not kill makes you stronger. Is that so?

That which does not kill just makes you suffer longer doesn't it? Well.. For all the wise guys who came up with these 'pearls of wisdom', i think they often understate the difficulties.

I don't know. Maybe I'm not as strong as i think. Well.. Actually, I knew i was never strong. Those who are perceived to be strong are the weakest and vice-versa. I'll admit i'm very weak emotionally. But who cares?

I mean, who has ever bothered about how i felt? Who has actually taken the time to sit with me and talk about life? Who has actually bothered to ask me "what happened?" when i'm really troubled?

No one.

They ask when I look troubled. They ask when i don't talk. I don't blame them because I've never been one to open my heart.

I've been unable to trust people because the last time i trusted, I lost. I lost terribly. It's like in poker when you ask for a 'show hand'. Yes, I lost everything.

It doesn't help when the people i think i can trust either drifts away or is already caught up with something else.

I think I'm just tired. Maybe all i need is time. It has proven to be an effective antidote.

But I'll know what'll really work. Someone who'd listen to me, cry with me and at the end just say "I love you" and give me a hug.

Come to think of it, I've realised the last bad thing!

My inability to cry.

Some people cry a lot. Some people cry. Some people cry out loud. Some people cry in their hearts. In any case, they've been able to cry.

I have not.

I've wanted to cry for very long. For those who still carry the belief guys shouldn't cry, i think you should read up on how this shortens our lives.

I've tried to cry.

I couldn't. Even when my heart is crying out to want to just cry, I can't.

You know something?

The saddest thing in life isn't being unable to be happy but being unable to cry.

Reflections

Reflections


No poetry or stories today, just some reflections.

Everyone around me seems to pairing up these days. Or rather, all my close friends HAVE paired up. Well... I guess i should be happy for them? Yet, at the same time, I'm jealous. I wonder why they're so lucky. I wonder why they are so happy. I wonder why they are so different.

You know, everyone says friends change when they're in a relationship. It's true. Although you don't see an 180 degree turn, it's more like a 1 degree by another turn. The subtle changes only close friends can experience but others don't. I'm not really bothered by that though. Maybe I am but that's not the main reason why I'm writing this

Maybe I think too much. Maybe I should just react.

I wonder how all of them actually get into a relationship when they have major exams coming and NS next year. After my first and only relationship, I have had this phobia of relationships. I just hate that sinking feeling. And i know if i were to get in a relationship this year, most prob it'd end soon. Which is what i don't want.

There have been a couple of girls who I've been attracted to but everytime i think how it will end, it just freaks me out. And it doesn't help I ain't a good-looker. I'm confident in myself but there's always this stumbling block.

Everyone says true love will last. I agree. But it depends how long the love can be true. Nothing stays the same and that goes for true love. The idea of 'true love' in itself is a paradox. If love indeed is true, why the need to say 'true love'? Isn't it just a form of delusion?

I'm still confused over what i want. I'm still confused over my feelings. I'm still confused with who i am. I am still confused with what i want to be.

I've never been able to trust anyone with my feelings, my thoughts or even my dreams. I've always sought solace in my writing. They are my greatest joys. I have a few other joys, things i can really be proud of. Yet, I've already lost some of them.

I have lost my voice. Not the real one but the true one. But perhaps, i never even had it. That voice which enabled me to sing a song. A song of mine, which belonged to me. Now i can't even say a word. It's as if someone is choking me, stealing those words before it comes out of me.

I'm still waiting for my song to come back. Still waiting for my new song. Still waiting for someone to hear it.

All i want is to be loved as much as i have loved. I have loved and loved, my heart being flogged and flogged. I have never gave it reparation because no one has ever tried to give it. The wounds i have of past are still present and perhaps will still be in the future.