Reflections

Reflections


No poetry or stories today, just some reflections.

Everyone around me seems to pairing up these days. Or rather, all my close friends HAVE paired up. Well... I guess i should be happy for them? Yet, at the same time, I'm jealous. I wonder why they're so lucky. I wonder why they are so happy. I wonder why they are so different.

You know, everyone says friends change when they're in a relationship. It's true. Although you don't see an 180 degree turn, it's more like a 1 degree by another turn. The subtle changes only close friends can experience but others don't. I'm not really bothered by that though. Maybe I am but that's not the main reason why I'm writing this

Maybe I think too much. Maybe I should just react.

I wonder how all of them actually get into a relationship when they have major exams coming and NS next year. After my first and only relationship, I have had this phobia of relationships. I just hate that sinking feeling. And i know if i were to get in a relationship this year, most prob it'd end soon. Which is what i don't want.

There have been a couple of girls who I've been attracted to but everytime i think how it will end, it just freaks me out. And it doesn't help I ain't a good-looker. I'm confident in myself but there's always this stumbling block.

Everyone says true love will last. I agree. But it depends how long the love can be true. Nothing stays the same and that goes for true love. The idea of 'true love' in itself is a paradox. If love indeed is true, why the need to say 'true love'? Isn't it just a form of delusion?

I'm still confused over what i want. I'm still confused over my feelings. I'm still confused with who i am. I am still confused with what i want to be.

I've never been able to trust anyone with my feelings, my thoughts or even my dreams. I've always sought solace in my writing. They are my greatest joys. I have a few other joys, things i can really be proud of. Yet, I've already lost some of them.

I have lost my voice. Not the real one but the true one. But perhaps, i never even had it. That voice which enabled me to sing a song. A song of mine, which belonged to me. Now i can't even say a word. It's as if someone is choking me, stealing those words before it comes out of me.

I'm still waiting for my song to come back. Still waiting for my new song. Still waiting for someone to hear it.

All i want is to be loved as much as i have loved. I have loved and loved, my heart being flogged and flogged. I have never gave it reparation because no one has ever tried to give it. The wounds i have of past are still present and perhaps will still be in the future.