Official

Official


A continuation of my reflections

Well.. The result is official but there was never really any doubt about it eh? All I can say is i did my best, though it just shows my best was not enough. Sometimes I wonder if it's just I got deluded into thinking we could do it or did i really believe that we will.

Debating was my song. A song that i could sing. Not particularly well but good enough. I knew it'll never be a chart-topper but i just wanted to be on the chart. Was that too much to ask? Sometimes i wonder if i've over-inflated my abilities. But i know i haven't. Have i?

The worse part of losing is not the pain of it. It is when you question yourself. That's when you begin to doubt yourself and lose your identity, pride. How ironic. I know how to say it but I still allow it to happen.

Ever heard that good things never occur twice but bad things come in 3s?

Well.. I'm still waiting for the third to happen. Maybe it already has. I don't know. Maybe these challenges are something i need to overcome to understand things better. After all, I've learnt much more through what I've failed to do or done wrong than whatever i've done right.

That which does not kill makes you stronger. Is that so?

That which does not kill just makes you suffer longer doesn't it? Well.. For all the wise guys who came up with these 'pearls of wisdom', i think they often understate the difficulties.

I don't know. Maybe I'm not as strong as i think. Well.. Actually, I knew i was never strong. Those who are perceived to be strong are the weakest and vice-versa. I'll admit i'm very weak emotionally. But who cares?

I mean, who has ever bothered about how i felt? Who has actually taken the time to sit with me and talk about life? Who has actually bothered to ask me "what happened?" when i'm really troubled?

No one.

They ask when I look troubled. They ask when i don't talk. I don't blame them because I've never been one to open my heart.

I've been unable to trust people because the last time i trusted, I lost. I lost terribly. It's like in poker when you ask for a 'show hand'. Yes, I lost everything.

It doesn't help when the people i think i can trust either drifts away or is already caught up with something else.

I think I'm just tired. Maybe all i need is time. It has proven to be an effective antidote.

But I'll know what'll really work. Someone who'd listen to me, cry with me and at the end just say "I love you" and give me a hug.

Come to think of it, I've realised the last bad thing!

My inability to cry.

Some people cry a lot. Some people cry. Some people cry out loud. Some people cry in their hearts. In any case, they've been able to cry.

I have not.

I've wanted to cry for very long. For those who still carry the belief guys shouldn't cry, i think you should read up on how this shortens our lives.

I've tried to cry.

I couldn't. Even when my heart is crying out to want to just cry, I can't.

You know something?

The saddest thing in life isn't being unable to be happy but being unable to cry.